I don’t know what it is about these Sideways Sayings that set my brain up for inner dialogue. About the only things the competing voices agree on is to roll with it. So I have.

A dialogue between
- in the green corner: me trying to make a clever point

- and in the red corner: me again, with my cynical hat on

So off we go -

This saying, out of the frying pan and into the fire, it’s too one dimensional. All it seems to mean is to jump from one bad thing into another.

Well, one hot thing at least.

See what I mean. That’s way too literal. We need to be more thoughtful and ask ourselves this question - out of the frying pan into the fire: is that necessarily a bad thing?

You mean, is it necessarily a bad thing to have a frying pan of a life and…

Hey! I didn’t say anything about being the frying pan. Lots of great, creative things happen in frying pans. Lots of unappetizing raw materials get transformed into something new and…

…delicious?

Well, yeah.

And then they get eaten.

…okay… I can handle this one… Yes, they do get consumed, and enjoyed, and they give energy while being digested.

And that’s better because…?

You know your trouble? Like I said earlier - too literal.

I am entirely literal. Nothing but words.

Let me take another tack. Fire. When we stay one dimensional all we think about is getting burned.

Fire is generally regarded as hot.

True. But it doesn’t just burn. It transforms.

Skin into blisters, for instance.

It’s a metaphor! The saying is a metaphor. So let’s just for once think metaphorically.

Sorry. Off you go.

Fire can do wonderful things. Lumps of hard glass get transformed. They become liquid and pliable. With help and skilled hands they turn into beautiful and useful objects.

And ore - nothing more than rocks from the ground - becomes metal.

See what I’m saying? Our frying pan and fire experiences can help shape and form us, both creatively and as people. They’re opportunities to learn, to grow and to make better art.

Trouble is some folk just stumble from frying pan, to fire, to another frying pan, and on and on…

That’s true

That’s true? Is that all? No clever twist?

These people aren’t taking advantage of their opportunities. They’re locked in to the pain and apparent inevitability of it, but they don’t need to be.

You mean if they could just stop burning or frying for a minute they might learn something?

Yes!

What about?

Well, how to stop burning and frying would be good for a start. How to jump into something better than a fire. They might even figure out what they’d like to jump into next.

Of course - it’s not easy to stop yourself frying is it? As a rule the fryee is not the one in control of things. It’s the fryor that gets to stir things around and turn up the heat.

If you’re talking about a real frying pan, yes. But we ain’t. We have way more ability to choose our circumstances than we think. We even have the choice of how we react to our metaphorical frying pans and fires. Many times, we don’t have to get either cooked or burned.

What? We don’t have to get burned in a fire? That’s ridiculous.

No. Not even if we take it literally. These days we have protective clothing, fire extinguishers. Likewise it’s pretty well established now that we have the inner ability to choose how these external events will affect us. Recognising that is the first step.

But you can take it even further, because we also tend to imagine situations to be much, much worse than they actually are.

Are you saying we make our own frying pans and fires?

Frequently.

But in fact those frying pans and fires don’t really exist?

That’s right.

Wow! Looks like the microwave then.

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Other relevant posts:

Sideways Saying # 4 – There Aren’t Enough Hours in the Day
Sideways Saying #3 – If Nothing Changes, Nothing Changes

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The most positive people beat-up on themselves on occasion; most of us fall somewhere between the two.

So the second part of Small Gifts to Yourself focuses on the gifts of mental attitude that can bring confidence, self esteem, self belief, self acceptance, recognition of abilities, and finally - a more generous attitude to your perceived flaws, weaknesses and eccentricities.

I’m not going to detail all the different types of gift you might offer yourself here. I’ll leave links at the end of the post. What I will focus on yet again, is the way the small-gift mentality acts as a motivator and catalyst in helping you act generously towards yourself.

Cultures of Negativity
This can be very difficult for some people to do. In many cultures praise is as elusive as pots of gold at the end of rainbows.  My own Yorkshire, English culture certainly falls into this bracket. Excellence was (and still is) acknowledged with grudging phrases like not bad or you did alright (I’ve not attempted to convey Yorkshire dialect). The idea of a person openly acknowledging their own abilities and talents was virtually taboo.

For any potential high achiever, the fine line between proper modesty and being regarded as an arrogant, big-headed plonker is all too easily crossed. They clearly needed knocking down a peg or two to stop them getting above themselves.

It’s no wonder that so many people feel inhibited in giving themselves credit where credit is due - even in the privacy of their own heads.

When Will My Luck Run Out?
When the censorious voice of society becomes internalised it limits our whole imagination and skews our perceptions. A world full of options and choices becomes tragically narrowed. Even when we achieve some success we are likely to offer the credit to Lady Luck or good timing. At its worse, outwardly successful people can feel criminally fraudulent. Unable to appreciate their own skill and endeavour they are continually dogged by the expectation that their luck will run out and their success will be ripped away. No fun there then.

Of course, this is just one example of how we limit ourselves. Rest assured there’s a whole bagful of other ways we can deny our potential and talk down our success.

Without doubt then, one of the biggest (small) gifts we can give ourselves is positive acknowledgement. I’m not talking about self congratulation to the point of self deception, or talking ourselves up to talk others down, or the kind of boring boastfulness that sees friend and foe alike diving for cover.

Accepting Our Talents
I mean the simple, powerful gift of acceptance of our talents, our abilities and our achievements. And that goes for our modest achievements too. So if you are starting out on a creative journey, be it dancing, art, photography, writing, music or whatever, you judge yourself from the context of where you are now. You give yourself credit for your achievements founded on what you’d expect from anyone else beginning from the same place.

Small gifts such as these accumulate into a growing sense of wellbeing, motivation and courage.

This should not mean you are blind to the differences between your own current abilities and those of a master in your art. Neither does it mean you cannot also acknowledge your own areas for improvement.

‘Weaknesses’, Courage and Kindness
In fact recognising your own weaknesses in a spirit of courage and kindness is another small but profoundly constructive gift. The courageous part will help you address and improve on your weakness. The kindness part is about much more than not beating yourself up. No blame, no self recrimination.

Faulty Assumptions
When people have developed negative thinking habits about themselves they are often at the prey of faulty negative assumptions. In art and elsewhere it’s easy to interpret a particular ‘weakness’ as broad evidence of general uselessness! When I first began writing I looked with envy at the beautifully fashioned metaphors decorating the writing of my peers. While they were finding diamonds and honing them to perfection I was stuck with bits of rock that I could never get into shape.

When you’re in a negative frame of mind such evidence morphs into proof that you are no good at the whole endeavour. No good at metaphors? Well, let’s face it I’m just useless at writing. Might as well pack it in now and save myself the trouble. Let those negative thoughts fester a while longer and before you know it you’re scraping together every failure you can remember and hey - it’s not only writing you’re no good at - you are simply no good. Period.

Does that seem crazy? Then I guess we must all be a little crazy occasionally.

Refusing to apply such a damaging train of thought is one heck of a small gift that you should never stop giving. The more positive gifts of kindness to yourself, celebration of your real abilities and a positive attitude towards improvement are even better.

The benefits in confidence and self acceptance alone will help transform your self image and boost your ability to produce better and better creative work.

A Gift for Today
So what small gift would you really thank yourself for today? It might be quite different from the examples above - maybe even some small token that you have to buy. It may be about the focus of this post - small gifts of positive mental attitude, or it may be more tangible, more practical. We’ll look further at practical small gifts in the final post of this series.

Here are a few specific areas that you could think about (not all to do with your creativity but often of indirect benefit)

• Creative skills
• Artistic materials
• Selling your work or raising your profile
• Visit a gallery or research another artist/writer, etc

• Fitness and weight loss
• Your appearance - dress better or differently, take extra care, project a different image
• Food and drink
• Learning
• Relaxation
• Travel and journeys

Give yourself just one small gift of positive mental attitude in any of these areas and you will have improved your day just a little. Of course it doesn’t have to be only one small gift. Be a devil and give yourself lots. And do it again tomorrow. Then you’ll really begin to make a difference.

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Below are some small inner gifts for yourself:
Visualise Your Creative Block or Writers’ Block
Increase your sense of wellbeing in three simple steps
Stop Worrying About Talent And Be Your Best Creative Self
Falling off the Horse

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But one of the more deeply beneficial ways of offering small gifts to yourself is simply to treat yourself in the same kind and generous way that you can treat everyone else. Sadly creative people can be particularly prone to doing exactly the opposite.

As I was working on explaining the consequences of this it came out in verse - don’t know why. I hope it gets the point across nicely - though if you judge it as poetry that’s a different matter entirely.

No Friend to Yourself

If you stand by your friends
But crucify yourself

If you are kind to others
Yet cruel to your soul

Do you cut them some slack
And tighten your chains?

Are they lovably odd
To your hatefully flawed?

You help them to shine
but smother your flame

See things go wrong
Know you’re always to blame.

Then, there can be no ease in your world
No balance, no love without fear
No laughter unstained

Then, you are no solace to your friends
No friend to yourself

***

Hmm… a bit gloomy that - and after several re-writes I still don’t feel happy with it. The creative process of writing a peom is so, so tough. Hats off to all you poets.

I’ll write more on this soon, in prose, and I promise I’ll focus on the brightness and the cheer. In the meantime, if you aren’t already giving yourself regular small gifts of kindness and generosity, think about how you can do so today.

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Please also read:
The Power of Small Gifts - Gifts from the Universe
The Power of Small Gifts to Create a Better World

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Not About Shopping

You might guess here that I’m not primarily talking about material, bought-from-the-shops style gifts. Although small and thoughtfully bought gifts do carry tremendous power they are only one element of the bigger picture. That bigger picture is all about the cultivation of a generous frame of mind. And having a generous frame of mind is not just about giving. True generosity encompasses receiving too.

I believe it’s impossible to by truly generous of spirit if you cannot receive the generosity of others with grace and appreciation.

So generosity of spirit is at the core of the power of small gifts. What the idea of ‘the gift’ gives us is a way of recognising opportunities for generosity - opportunities to give - and actually doing so. It’s a handy label that we all understand, and it gives us a concrete way of thinking about generous giving that might be as fleeting as a smile or as subtle as allowing someone else to shine.

The Ultimate Creativity?

Now, I started with that huge claim about making a better world. My initial meaning here was that when you practise the giving and receiving of small gifts your experience of the world becomes more benign and caring. You feel connected with people; you feel the warmth of their humanity; you become more tolerant and appreciative of the differences and quirks that might otherwise annoy you.

Because of this, shifting to a gift-oriented mentality is itself a creative act - even an artistically creative act if you wish it to be - see the hugging video I posted previously and tell me that’s not a wonderful piece of performance art.

So the gift-shifted attitude creates a happier way of perceiving your world - but that’s only the beginning of the story. Every small gift makes its own small impact on the real world. Each small act of giving by yourself doesn’t only change your own world for the better, it changes someone else’s. Now that really is creative.

Likewise when you accept a small gift with grace and appreciation (as opposed to not recognising the gift, or worse, not appreciating it) then again you have positively impacted on the giver’s world.

Different Kinds of Gifts

Here are just a few of the gifts that can help make your world a better place to be.

• Actual, material small gifts (though not necessarily bought)
• Compliments & positive feedback
• Appreciation & acknowledgement
• Courtesy
• Respect
• Tolerance & understanding
• Space & silence
• Sensitivity
• Taking a hint!
• A smile

Isn’t This All a Little Rose-Tinted?

You could argue here that we live in a hard and often cruel world, a world where people and societies commit the most appalling acts against their fellows. That’s undeniably true. You might also argue that the small-gift frame of mind becomes somewhat unimportant and feeble in the face of such horrific crimes.

Having a gift-oriented attitude does not mean we pretend these things don’t exist, and it doesn’t mean we don’t fight against them.

It does mean that we refuse to let the badness blind us to the goodness.

Wellbeing and Creative Productivity

There’s now plenty of scientific evidence showing that offering gifts of generosity and kindness bring positive health benefits - both mental and physical. In other words, your gifts to others are also gifts to yourself (which, incidentally, is the topic for the final article in this series).

In terms of practising your own creativity, whether that’s writing, art, performance or the myriad other creative artistic fields - the effect is indirect but nonetheless powerful.

Much of the thrust of The Creative Instinct is to do with getting your head right so you can be the artist you wish to be. The great power of small gifts to and from others is in moving you towards that place, and doing so in a beautifully pleasant manner.

Small Giving Changes the ‘Mirror’

One way we judge ourselves is through the responses and actions of people in our company. Our self image is substantially shaped by the smiles and scowls we receive daily. Our perception of self is therefore pieced together from our continually glimpsed ‘reflections’ when interacting with others. It stands to reason then, that much of this reflection is in our own hands.

If other people’s reactions are the mirror by which we judge ourselves, then it’s easy to see how, quite apart from the beneficial act of giving, we also have the bonus of people showing their positive feelings towards us because of our own small generosity.

The Butterfly Effect

A butterfly flaps its wings and causes a chain of increasing weather events that affects a whole continent. Every now and then a small gift of yours can similarly produce a massive effect on the life of the recipients. A word of encouragement when times are tough, a token to say you care, a moment to listen - all and any can have profound effects that can positively change a persons life forever.

I can certainly think of a few of these precious gifts that made a difference for me: the vicar who took time to talk with the long-haired, bearded proto-hippie (yes, I do mean me) when I was getting married to my partner, Lynda. He sensed that any talk of ‘God’s glory’ would send me running for cover. Instead he offered me a sentence of thoughtful secular advice that has guided me ever since. I never saw that man again, and don’t even know his name.

And then there’s John Murray, my English teacher when I returned to study in my thirties. At that stage all I wanted was to write good English, having left school without even the basic qualification. I wrote an incredibly long book review - pages and pages of it. His heart must have sunk at the thought of ploughing through it, but he took the time to encourage me, to pick out the positives and only ever-so-gently point out better ways of working. This blog, such as it is, would not be here without that small, thoughtful gift.

Take a moment now to think back to some small gift you received that has made a difference. Appreciate it again.

A Frame of Mind that’s a Gift in Itself

For me personally, the Small Gift mentality makes a massive difference. I won’t pretend there aren’t times when it’s not there - times of anger, of mean spiritedness or times when my focus on my own needs overwhelms it - and times of forgetfulness too. But as a guiding symbol of what I can do, it helps me find more happiness and self-satisfaction than I ever could without it.

When I’m practising small giving it helps me experience the world differently - genuinely creating a different perception and a different reality.

And for creative people who sometimes feel blocked by the stresses and the tensions of their world and their dreams - it can offer the mental space and balance that can open the doors to your best work.

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See also:
The Power of Small Gifts - Gifts from the Universe
Increase your sense of wellbeing in three simple steps

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I’ve been trying to produce my second article about the power of small gifts - about gifts to and from others. It’s a lovely, juicy topic that’s got my head fizzing with ideas that simply refuse to settle down and let me write them.

Here’s were I think the problem is: I’m trying to write before my brain is ready to write. And I’m doing that because of the self-imposed pressure of posting to the blog on a regular basis.

Well, if I’ve learned anything about my own creative process it’s that my brain ain’t going to co-operate unless it’s had enough digestion time. And this subject just keeps opening up and opening up to reveal a breadth and complexity that I’d not previously recognised.

Trying to compose and martial my creativity in such situations is bonkers - but I guess most of us try anyhow when the pressure to produce demands it. In this case the resultant writing has been painfully laboured and trite until it finally dawned on me that I’ve been forcing the process.

It Feels Like a Block

The trouble is that until you do understand what’s going on it feels like a genuine writers’ block. It’s easy to panic and keep battering away in a desperate attempt to bash our way through. It’s times like this that lead to those familiar images of the tortured artist and writer.

But brute force of mind is rarely the answer.

Especially when, like now for me, the subject I’m trying to write has revealed itself to have much more to it. I need to step back, take a pause, and stop trying to write a book in a thousand words.

I need to remind myself that I don’t need to write everything that’s in my head (or in my notes).  I need to remember that I can’t write with clarity if I haven’t achieved clarity.

My Good Inner Critic

It would be easy to beat myself up about this, easy to let my bad inner critic’s destructive voice run wild. Heaven knows that’s happened often enough in the past.

But my good inner critic is strong these days. He’s telling me that this is a subject worth the extra thinking. And he’s politely pointing out that I’ve been pre-occupied with another project, developing a part of my life coaching website and grappling with the mysteries of Google Adsense.

So the result for me is stangely positive. I haven’t been able to produce the writing I wanted, and yet, right now at this moment of writing about not writing I feel wonderfully assured, calm and serene. I feel great.

I wish you all the joy of creativity.

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Other relevant posts:
Visualise Your Creative Block or Writers’ Block
Are False Priorities Blocking Your Creativity?
Creative Blockages - 7 Killers of our Artistic and Creative Potential

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