The Creative Instinct

Recognise this? You’ve hit one of those periods where people and events have made demands and more demands on your time and energy. You’ve heard yourself saying ‘yes, of course I can help’ and ‘no, I don’t mind at all’ - in fact you’ve even found yourself volunteering for things when no-one even asked.

And you get to a point where you can feel the pressure building and building because you just can’t get to your own stuff due to the weight of everyone else’s and then along comes someone - someone you like or love, with the teensiest request that really is no imposition and… KABOOM!

You’ve exploded at them and laid out all those built up grievances at their poor unsuspecting feet. Did that help? No it certainly did not. Do you feel better? Hell no.

I guess most of us have been there at one time or another. I know I certainly have. But how do we do it differently? How do we handle it better and get on with the things we really want to, whether it’s creative or otherwise? One drastic solution is to just say no to everything - to focus exclusively on your passion at the expense of everything and everyone around you.

And let’s face it, much great art has been created like that. If you fancy the idea of being the angst-ridden, booze addled, self absorbed creative genius - go right ahead.

Me? No, I don’t fancy it. For a start, I like being involved with my family and friends. I like doing things with them and I like helping out when I can. I’m also very mindful, and grateful, of the help I get from them when I need it. So striking a balance is important to me. And when I have to say no, or want to say no, then saying it nicely is important too.

Saying no nicely

Here’s something to think about - when you’ve learned to say no nicely, you don’t have to say it as often as you’d think. That’s because those serial time thieves we talked about in the previous post know who the pushovers are and go straight for them. Or they begin to understand that your time is as valuable as their own and decide to spend their own time instead of yours.

So how do you do it? How do you learn to say no nice but firm and finally begin to take back control of your own time? Here’s my method.

The first thing is to make the correct decision. Learn to listen to your feelings. Get in touch with the signals your body and brain are giving you and trust them. If you are about to say yes, do a quick cost/benefit analysis. What’s the cost to you and what are the benefits? If the costs outweigh the benefits, how happy are you with paying the cost?

Once you’ve decided to refuse a request there’s the actual art of saying no and meaning it.

Step 1
Be generous in acknowledging the other person’s request. For instance:

• It’s really kind of you to think of me and another time I’d love to come along, but…

• I can see why you need some help and I’d like to have been involved, however…

You can see that these statements are in two parts. The first part is showing that you’ve heard them, which is always powerful; the second part shows your willingness in other circumstances. Only add the second part if you really mean it or feel the need for extra tact.

Step 2
Calmly assert your own priorities or preferences:

• I’ve been really busy and prefer some quiet time tonight

• I’ve set aside some time for my artwork and it’s very important that I do it

• I’ve got an important music project that I very much want to focus on

It’s that simple. Basically, what you are doing is acknowledging their need and then calmly asserting your own. But what if they persist in trying to persuade you?

Here’s a fantastic technique called the ‘Broken Record’, developed by Dr Zev Wanderer (yes, that’s right) and described in Alan Garner’s wonderful book, Conversationally Speaking. It’s easy and has worked brilliantly for me and for coaching clients I’ve introduced it to.

The Broken Record technique works against anyone who is trying to persuade you of something or simply won’t take no for an answer. Try it on pushy sales people too!

1. Acknowledge any truth in their argument: I can see you are passionate about this; I understand your concerns…
2. Repeat your original reason for saying no. Do not offer further explanation or counter arguments - just repeat what you’ve already said.
3. Keep repeating points 1 and 2. Believe me, you won’t have to do it often.

If you’re not used to saying no to people and find the idea scary, then do a little role play with yourself first. It’s surprising how much difference a little practice makes. You can also try it first on someone you feel comfortable with. It’s also very worthwhile to clearly visualise the things you want to achieve.

Remember the time thieves will have your time if they can get it. How much better to give your time as a gift when you really want to. And that can mean a gift to others or a genuine gift to yourself.

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What’s your experience here? Your comments are appreciated.